Nightmare of a Leader
by PlayingMindGames33
Summary: Karkat has not been sleeping well at all lately, making him more irritable than usual. However, his amplified bad attitude leads him to say something that he just shouldn't have. (Rated M for language)
1. Chapter 1

_Could it be that I'm just not worth it? Am I just some stupid fuck up, who only bitches and moans? Should I give up everything that I've worked towards as a leader? Will I ever amount to anything more than a child and a mutant?_ These thoughts pounded through Karkat's head as he laid on his back staring up at the ceiling of his respite block. Immersed in his thoughts, the sounds of his Crabtop's electrical hum was lost and fell into a kind of white noise until it completely vanished from his mental registry. These questions always seemed to rise up in his mind after having one of those nightmares…

He would be surrounded by his comrades, and everything would appear to be fine in his dream land. However, things would turn sour very quickly, whether by natural disaster or just irreconcilable differences. Down the drain would go all of his imaginative hard work, and he would be left with angry faces and the deceased. Then the remaining few would all turn on him, and he would be slashed, bludgeoned, beaten, or sawed to death. Each morning he woke in a cold sweat; the night's sensations and sights still haunting his consciousness.

Ever since he lost his Prospit self, he would only have nightmares of the worst nature and just could not find rest. Whether it be of him failing as a leader, or drowning in a tub of his own blood, they were never good dreams; and people wondered why his notorious dark circles were growing in shade and size. As of late, Karkat found himself staggering around the hallways of the compound they all lived in, trying to focus on the ground in front of him. He was in a sleep-deprived haze and knew that he just could not get out unless he slept. But when he slept, the time spent asleep was consumed by too much sorrow, suffering, and heartbreak.

Right now, Karkat was still on his back, drifting in a semi-conscious state his world was just starting to close in around him. He was jolted awake by the familiar "chime" of the Trollian website; apparently someone wanted to talk to him. He was hesitant at first, he had been so close that maybe he would have a dreamless sleep due to fatigue. Yet, he understood that it was his duty as the leader to keep an eye on everyone and answer as many questions he could. The sleep deprived troll lifted himself off of the floor and staggered over to the Crabtop, plopping himself in the chair with as little grace as he cared to use. It was Terezi. This was odd considering she had barely spoken to him since she started dating Dave [FUCKING] Strider. Oh well, she probably wants to ask him what she should do if Dave asks her do another human activity…

KARKAT, ANSWER TEREZI.

[gallowsCalibrator started trolling carcinoGeneticist]

GC: H3Y K4RKL3S.

CG: HEY TEREZI. WHAT'S UP?

GC: W3LL, 4 F3W SC4L3M4T3S OF COURS3! :]

CG: FUNNY.

CG: IS THERE SOMETHING IN PARTICULAR YOU WANTED TO TALK ABOUT?

GC: NOT R34LLY. 1 JUST W4NT3D TO T4LK TO YOU.

GC: W3'V3 JUST B33N SO BUSY W1TH OUR L1V3S L4T3LY TH4T 1 H4V3N'T 3V3N S33N YOU 4ROUND MUCH.

GC: 1 P4SS3D BY YOU 1N TH3 H4LLW4Y 34RL13R, BUT YOU D1DN'T 3V3N LOOK 4T M3. :/

CG: OH, YOU DID? I DIDN'T NOTICE I GUESS.

GC: 1 GU3SS YOU D1DN'T. :[

GC: K4RK4T, YOU'R3 NOT M4D 4T M3 4BOUT 4NYTH1NG 4R3 YOU?

CG: WHAT? NO. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

GC: W3LL,

GC: YOU JUST S41D TH4T YOU D1DN'T S33 M3 4 F3W M1NUT3S 4GO, 4ND YOU S33M MOR3 1RR1T4BL3 TH4N USU4L.

GC: 4ND YOU H4V3N'T T4LK3D TO M3 MUCH L4T3LY.

CG: I AM JUST NOT MYSELF LATELY. I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP.

GC: OH K4RKL3S, YOU SHOULD T4K3 B3TT3R C4R3 OF YOURS3LF.

GC: B31NG TH3 L34D3R C4N B3 STR3SSFUL, BUT 1'M H3R3 1F YOU N33D M3.

CG: YEAH RIGHT.

GC: HUH? :? WH4T 4R3 YOU G3TT1NG 4T?

CG: OH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT.

GC: K4RK4T, BUT 1 DO. 1'M H3R3 R1GHT NOW.

CG: OK, LET ME JUST TOUCH ON THAT.

CG: YOU'RE NOT HERE ANYMORE.

CG: EVER SINCE YOU STARTED DATING DAVE, IT'S ALL BEEN ABOUT HIM AND THE NEXT TIME YOU GET TO SEE HIM.

GC: K4RK4T, TH4T'S NOT TRU3.

GC: 1'V3 4SK3D YOU TO T3LL M3 HOW 3V3RYON3'S DO1NG OFT3N.

CG: WELL EXCUSE ME IF I'M NOT HAPPILY OBLIDGING TO LETTING YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOING EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF THE DAY.

CG: I MEAN I AM SURE THAT'S ALL I'M GOOD FOR THESE DAYS.

CG: NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO SLEEP.

GC: W41T, 1 GU3SS 1 DO H4V3 SOM3TH1NG TO T4LK TO YOU 4BOUT.

CG: WELL THANK GOG! I WAS JUST BEGINNING TO THINK THAT THE WORLD WAS GOING TO COME TO AN END, BECAUSE YOU JUST WANTED TO TALK TO ME FOR THE SAKE OF TALKING.

GC: DON'T B3 4 FUCK4SS, 4ND 1 D1D JUST W4NT TO T4LK TO YOU.

GC: BUT TH3R3'S 4LSO SOM3TH1NG 1 H4V3 TO T3LL YOU.

GC: 4BOUT D4V3.

CG: ALRIGHT WHATEVER SHOOT, GO RIGHT AHEAD.

CG: IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANYTHING MORE IMPORTANT TO DEAL WITH THAN YOUR DATING LIFE.

GC: D4V3 BROK3 UP W1TH M3.

CG: OH,

CG: I'M SORRY TEREZI.

CG: FUCK, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.

Of course this is why she would be messaging him. Terezi needed someone that she could cry on; someone who was not going to tell her just to grow the fuck up and move on. How he wanted to say those very words. Karkat wanted more than almost anything to shake her awake and brag about how he and been right about Dave all along. Yet, at a time like this, that was the last thing he should say.

CG: TEREZI, LISTEN.

CG: I'M SO SORRY.

CG: WHAT I SAID WAS ENTIRELY UNCALLED FOR AND STUPID.

CG: YOU'RE AN AMAZING PERSON, AND HE PROBABLY DIDN'T MEAN IT.

CG: DAVE WILL BE BACK FOR YOU, DON'T WORRY.

CG: TEREZI?

CG: JEEZ, THERE I GO BEING AN ASSHOLE AGAIN.

CG: I SHOT MY MOUTH OFF AND IT WASN'T MY PLACE.

CG: YOU'RE PROBABLY CRYING NOW, THAT'S THE ONLY THING I SEEM TO BE GOOD FOR THESE DAYS.

CG: I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID. I TAKE IT ALL BACK.

CG: I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU.

CG: UGH. YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO EVEN SEE ME RIGHT NOW, BUT IF I CAME OVER WOULD YOU LET ME IN?

CG: I WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU.

CG: I WANT TO TRY AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT.

CG: I KNOW I MISSED MY CHANCE WITH YOU AND I'M NOT ASKING FOR ANOTHER ONE.

CG: I PUSHED YOU AWAY BY TRYING TO RUN YOUR LIFE JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT WAS BETTER FOR YOU.

CG: I NEVER STOPPED TO TRULY THINK OF YOU AND WHAT YOU WANTED.

CG: EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLDS TO ME.

CG: IF YOU WANT ME TO DISAPPEAR I WILL.

CG: I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU NEED.

CG: I PROMISE YOU, TEREZI.

CG: I'M HERE FOR YOU.

Karkat sat staring at his screen ignoring the other messages that were popping up from various trolls on different timelines. He ignored his reason for answering Terezi's message; that a leader should answer every time he is called upon. Like always, it seemed that the whole world could wait until things were right with Terezi. He knew that he should have gotten over her a while ago; in fact he should have gotten over her when she started dating Strider. However, Karkat always treasured this crazy/chalk eating/ridiculous/clingy/nosy/beautiful troll over everyone else that he ever met. Somehow, Karkat knew that there would never be anyone else than her. He didn't mind.

GC: K4RK4T, WOULD YOU R34LLY COM3 OV3R JUST TO HE4R M3 WH1N3 4ND CRY L1K3 4 HUM4N B4BY?

CG: YES. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED ME TO DO.

GC: OK. PL34S3 HURRY. 1 C4N'T T4K3 1T.

CG: AS YOU WISH.

GC: 1 DON'T W4NT TO B3 4LON3.

Without even taking the five seconds it would to log out of Trollian, Karkat flung his Crabtop aside and bolted out the door of his respite block. As he ran past Kanaya and Rose drinking some tea, he could feel the fatigue encroaching on his judgment. He stumbled a few times and slammed right into a door, which at least led to Terezi's block. He opened the door slowly, walked in and looked at her walls; covered in horribly drawn pictures that depicted her with Dave. As he walked closer to the main section of her bock, the pictures started to have lines drawn through them. She had used red chalk to cross out her own face in each scene. He heard quiet sobs coming from inside the second room ahead and he stepped inside, suppressing his own deep emotions.

"Terezi?" Karkat asked cautiously stepping inside her respite block. He saw her just sitting on the floor with her arms hugged tightly around her knees. Upon hearing his voice she seemed to have hidden deeper into her folded body, and she started wiping her eyes underneath her dragon cosplay hood.

"Hey Karkat," she said between sobs. He could hear the strain in her voice; she was trying to keep it together still. The young troll could not just stand there like a dope and watch her fall apart like this he had to help somehow. He followed his impulse and sat down next to her slowly placing an arm around her shoulders comfortingly.

"Terezi," Karkat said softly. "You know you don't have to hold back. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is bottle something like this up."

After a few short sniffs and another swift rub of her eyes, she finally spoke. "I just DON'T UNDERSTAND!" She screamed out and began sobbing hysterically and clenched onto her legs even harder. Karkat turned to face her and wrapped both of his arms around her and held her close to his chest. He wanted to ask her what happened, but she would tell him on her own time; it was not the time to inquire.

"Shoosh," Karkat patted her head and slowly rocked her back and forth. _Gog, hold it together Vantas. You can't be crying now too. She needs you to be strong._ It was taking almost all of his concentration to not cry as well. He didn't mean it as pity, but rather he wanted to cry because he still loved her dearly and hated seeing her like this.

"I would have been able to take it. Really I'm not this weak!" Terezi began to yell through her sobs and tears. She tried letting go of her legs and stood up just enough that Karkat could see her tear streaked face. "I just wish that he had at least told me that he was with Jade too! Then I would have never- AHH!" She wailed even louder and clung onto Karkat's sweater.

_Dave was cheating on you?_ Karkat thought to himself as he pulled her into him in a solid embrace. _What did you do? What did he make you do that seemed to be so good at the time? Did they- no, she would never go that far with him, would she?_


	2. Chapter 2

Terezi cried loudly for another few minutes as Karkat just held her in his arms and slowly rocked her back and forth.

"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" Terezi screamed into his chest. "I'M FICKLE; AND ANNOYING AS HELL; AND SOOO DUMB! I'M SO DAMN WORTHLESS THAT I CAN'T EVEN HANG ON TO ONE STUPID QUADRANT WITH SOMEONE! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?"

"Shh…" He whispered softly, rubbing her back. He kept his arms around her with tender assurance that he was there for her; it was all he really could do. At this point his long-sleeved shirt was spotted with tears and teal tinted mucus on his chest. It really did not matter to him and he had no idea that his shirt was soaked until she sat up slowly and laughed a little.

"Karkat," Terezi said sniffing a little a rubbing her eyes. "Your shirt…"

"Huh?" Karkat looked down and saw the remains of her loud sobbing. He just shrugged his shoulders slightly. "It's fine. I needed to wash this thing anyways; it was starting to smell like my socks."

Terezi giggled, still wiping her eyes but at least smiling a little. "Well, it smelt fine to me; it smelt like cherries hidden under a grey wrapper."

She was able to calm down more and kept a miniscule smile on her face as Karkat reacted with his usual eye roll to her blood color implications. He looked back at her asking, "Are you ok?"

"Kinda…" Terezi said, shifting and holding her knees to her chest partially facing Karkat. "I didn't mean to cry on you like that. It just came out of nowhere. I'm sorry about that."

"Don't apologize." Karkat said looking at her tear streaked face. He pulled a small tissue out of his shirt's sleeve, scooted over to her and started wiping the tears from her face.

"Where did that come from?" Terezi asked as he gently dried her eyes.

"I watch rom-coms; sometimes you need tissues," Karkat said sheepishly. However, he didn't want her to try and change the subject from her reason for crying to his emergency tissue sleeve. "Listen, whatever happened –you don't have to tell me if you don't want to-, but you're not fickle or annoying. You're the smartest person I know, and if Dave doesn't see that" Terezi's eyes began to fill up again. "Shoosh, I didn't mean to make you more upset." Karkat said tenderly, wiping the new tears and placing a comforting hand on her face. "If he can't see that, you're not the one with the problem. Alright?"

"But Karkat… He and I have been through so much together that I thought we'd stay that way." Terezi looked aside. "I thought we would become official Matesprites and make some weird human/alien family. We even talked about it, and yet it seems like that all was just him 'entertaining the thought'." She took a deep breath and let out a long sigh that hung in the silent air that encompassed the two trolls.

_So they didn't do anything too major… but still, he broke her heart. That moron can be a real asshole sometimes. I wouldn't have done that to her. I could never hurt her like that… Jeez Vantas! Pull yourself together! This isn't about you. This is about Terezi and Dave. She wants to be with him and only him, you missed your gogdamn chance, you fucking nooksucker. In no way can I feel glad that she is feeling the same thing I have; it's not anything anyone should have to go through. Besides it's even worse for her considering he cheated on her while they were dating; we were only an item for a little while and nothing really happened… except for that moment. Damn, I've been so stupid._

"I'm sorry," Terezi mumbled, scratching the back of her head. "You probably want to yell at me for wanting something so ridiculous and foolish like that. It just seemed like a good idea at the time; as if we were going to break any possible fate that could have been planned out for us."

"I'm not going to yell at you," Karkat said as calmly as he could and she looked up at him. _I've gotta swallow my own damn ego and just try to be comforting here. I can't call her or Dave idiots; they're not. Just whatever you say, moron, don't be STUPID._ "Dave and I are kind of like bros, or have become that way from spending three years in the same general space. In all honesty, it does sound like a pretty cool idea; trying to defy what convention states 'should' happen or who should be with whom. It's something you want to do, and I can respect that."

"Wanted," Terezi said quietly and Karkat furrowed his eyebrows, looking at her with a tilted head. "I wanted to try it. Or at least I thought I did. In all honesty, I think I was just getting carried away with the moment and the feelings. Now, I just want to forget my bad relationship decision. Was it wrong of me to want something like a different family? Like, what the humans have. I think it was the idea of being able to be with the grub and raise it like humans do with babies. Do you think that's messed up for me to want?"

"I'm not going to tell you that it's wrong because I kind of like that idea myself and besides, it's not my place to say so." Karkat said looking down at the tearstained tissue in his hands. "It's your life and I'll give you advice when you ask, but it's not my place to judge whether or not your desires are wrong. You love Dave so-"

"Loved," Terezi said as another soft tear slid down her face. "I don't love him anymore. We can still be friends and hang out in can town, dealing out justice on the wicked citizens. I still enjoy his company but I… I'm just not right for him. I don't love him like that anymore. I can't…" Her eyes began to well-up and her body started shaking. "It hurts too much."

Before she was able to curl up around her own legs, Karkat stood up on his knees and scooted over to her wrapping both of his arms around her shoulders.

"I'm sorry Karkat," Terezi cried louder. "We got really close a-and we were going to try mating once." Tears streamed down her face as she tried gasping for breath and explain things to Karkat. "So he saw me, and he- got me to- but when I asked him if I could return the favor in some way, he said he was going to save himself for SOMEONE." Once again, she was in a fit of hysterics and practically incoherent. "I let myself not only fall for him, but I let him do something to me that I shouldn't have. And then, the next time I see him, he's talking to Jade and asking her if she wanted to do the same thing with him, ONLY THEY WOULD ACTUALLY MATE."

Karkat just held onto her tighter as her trembling hand clung to his shoulder. He was still trying his hardest not to get very emotional himself. His insides were swirling with disappointment in Dave, disgust with himself for not having seen it coming and pity for Terezi. Hardly had he ever felt this close to Terezi and yet know that she was still not his. It was only fair in a sense that he had tried running her life and ended up pushing her away instead.

After a few minutes, Terezi quieted down and relaxed in her arms. Karkat had no idea what to do but could only sit with her in his arms and he gently stroked her back.

_I always tell myself that I'm doing my best as a leader. I put up this stupid façade to try and give off the impression that I know what the hell I am doing all of the time. Now look what I've done. Terezi's heart is broken and it's my own damn fault. "I'm sorry Terezi. You'll never know how much you mean to me, but I hope you at least know _I'm always here for you."


End file.
